San Francisco

If ever there was a city that felt like a breath of fresh air, it would be San Fran.
it could very well be that I was in dire need of a vacation and was feeling stuffy in Atlanta; bombarded by the weight of work and burn out, ready for a break.

From the moment I stepped out of the airport, my burdens lightened and my lungs took in the air that was crisp, light and cool at a perfect 60 degrees. I threw on my jacket and walked with purpose into the city. I went to San Francisco in need of time away and with expectations of celebrating the big 3-0, but I found much more .

I found a city on the bay that was welcoming and begging me to sit on her shores and put all worries to the wind. I spent my 30th in good company watching the sunset on Baker Beach. The view was breathtaking. The sun sat on a foggy horizon, its rusty orange and purple hues extending past the fog to the Golden Gate Bridge. The waves crashed on the shore with a gentle splash of the ocean. The wind was cool, but never once did I feel cold.There was just enough warmth from the sun to balance the coolness of the breeze. The sand beneath my feet was darker in tone and reminded me of the shores of my favorite beaches in Chile. Pleasant memories flooded my mind as I sat on the beach making new ones. The sand also held a perfect bottle of Merlot from Napa paired with a cheese and olive board nestled between 2 friends brought together by chance, but I’m keeping her for life .If ever there was there was a perfect it was October 3, 2021.

and so I sat on the beach, doing what I do best, pondering, thinking, reminiscing and making plans for the future. I was hyper aware of everything about this day. It was so perfect. I took it all in. I was grateful, happy, at peace and excited for the year to come. I brought home a few of my favorite bottles, some souvenirs and memories to last a lifetime.

And then the sun set on that perfect day.

Hope in the darkness

I am a healthcare worker and like every single one of my colleagues, I am tired . My soul is heavy and weary and it’s becoming more and more difficult to go to work each day, to call and check in on friends because I know they are just as weary as I. There is a silent understanding amongst us; no one has to speak it because it’s a tangible grief . You can see in their eyes; a haunting that never truly goes away . It’s difficult to open social media because there’s death ; always more death. there is no solace from it .

i would be lying if I said we didn’t get desensitized over time . The ICU tends to do it to you. You have to be able to push past the darkness to see the light; you must remain professional with quick assessment skills . Tears and pain fog your mind. Please understand, I feel everything. When I hear a mother cry over her baby, my heart breaks and i promise I shed a tear for her later; I simply do it In the moments I allow all the pain to flood and I take a day to myself. I cope in the best way I know how. I pour a glass of red and lift my sorrows to Heaven. The Lord knows my heart . I ponder every name of babies gone too soon, I think of them and release them until next time my heart feels too heavy.

today is one of those days. I opened social media only to see a wife and daughter left behind by her husband because he met Jesus today.

more death. More pain.more grief .

Suddenly, every child I’ve ever lost to death came flooding back. It isn’t fair to any one. Parents shouldn’t bury their children, children shouldn’t be left without a parent . Death feels more imminent now than it ever has . Take nothing for granted because life is precious.

But …

Despite the darkness , I will have hope .
Despite the darkness, I will search for the light.

Despite the darkness, I will not choose fear.
fear is a vile creature that steals joy.

Despite the darkness, I will keep fighting for myself, for my patients , for those I love.

Rest my fellow healthcare workers . The fight is great, but our God is greater.

I pour out my red and raise my eyes towards heaven.

Hope keeps us alive.

Life. Death.

Life.

Death.

We tend to view life as linear. We are constantly running this race of life, aiming for the finish line. Hungry for rest. Thirsty for stillness. We run with passion. We run vigorously because we know what awaits us at the end is worth every step.

We run sluggishly. We drag to finish . Regardless of how we are running the race ; we are moving, flowing in one direction . One step after another. We run toward the end goal; the finish line of life. We may not have passed every obstacle on the way, but we did it . We made it. Rest. Peace .

Death.

Death disrupts our linear run. Death disrupts life; unhinges it. Suddenly, we are no longer running a race, but our soul has been suspended in the air as our bodies trudge forward; empty. Lost.
We scream out into the abyss of time, but the screams are silent. No one hears you. Emotions flood your every being and yet your body is empty; numb. You are hanging in this moment of time that doesn’t allow you to breathe. How is it we feel everything and nothing within the same breath.

Inhale . Exhale. Expel.

We long to empty our lungs because we’re drowning in tears of anguish and yet there’s nothing. Your body has continued walking the race. Others are running past you; zooms of lights flashing past ; not even looking in your direction. They’ve no idea the sorrow that lingers.
Death is merciless. Violent and cunning .

You inhale and fill your lungs willing your body to drift back. Your body is empty and your spirit too full. The two collide in an explosion. Rage meets sorrow, fear meets anguish, and the undeniable feeling of loss consumes the rest.

Life and Death.

Where is peace? Where is rest ? Stuck between feeling everything and nothing; we choose to feel nothing. Nothing is easier. Nothing hurts less, until time begins to pass and the lack of healing is evident. A body and spirit running on numbness will only run for so long. It is not a functional state.

So again, inhale and let the emotions flood the gates of your soul. It is only then that healing comes. Exhale and Feel the loss; the immeasurable loss. Feel the hurt, the writhing pain. Feel it. As you exhale, expel . Expel the weight, the burden. Day by day run the race and the steps become lighter . One foot in front of the other.

Rest awaits.