Hope in the darkness

I am a healthcare worker and like every single one of my colleagues, I am tired . My soul is heavy and weary and it’s becoming more and more difficult to go to work each day, to call and check in on friends because I know they are just as weary as I. There is a silent understanding amongst us; no one has to speak it because it’s a tangible grief . You can see in their eyes; a haunting that never truly goes away . It’s difficult to open social media because there’s death ; always more death. there is no solace from it .

i would be lying if I said we didn’t get desensitized over time . The ICU tends to do it to you. You have to be able to push past the darkness to see the light; you must remain professional with quick assessment skills . Tears and pain fog your mind. Please understand, I feel everything. When I hear a mother cry over her baby, my heart breaks and i promise I shed a tear for her later; I simply do it In the moments I allow all the pain to flood and I take a day to myself. I cope in the best way I know how. I pour a glass of red and lift my sorrows to Heaven. The Lord knows my heart . I ponder every name of babies gone too soon, I think of them and release them until next time my heart feels too heavy.

today is one of those days. I opened social media only to see a wife and daughter left behind by her husband because he met Jesus today.

more death. More pain.more grief .

Suddenly, every child I’ve ever lost to death came flooding back. It isn’t fair to any one. Parents shouldn’t bury their children, children shouldn’t be left without a parent . Death feels more imminent now than it ever has . Take nothing for granted because life is precious.

But …

Despite the darkness , I will have hope .
Despite the darkness, I will search for the light.

Despite the darkness, I will not choose fear.
fear is a vile creature that steals joy.

Despite the darkness, I will keep fighting for myself, for my patients , for those I love.

Rest my fellow healthcare workers . The fight is great, but our God is greater.

I pour out my red and raise my eyes towards heaven.

Hope keeps us alive.