The Other Side — Mary Kessee

I am used to being the caretaker, the nurturer, the strength amidst the storms for families; for my patients. I see how they fight, I see them at their weakest, I see them as they face their worst fears. I have become accustomed to the organized chaos of my title as RN. It is a part of me and i don’t know that I could live without it at this point in life.

What I am not used to, however, is being on the other side. The other side being that I am the mama with a child as a patient. My daughter had to have a tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy, and Myringotomy tubes AKA she had to have her tonsils and adenoids out and get tubes placed in her ears. Yes, these are outpatient procedures and they are done so often that they are considered easy and simple. Please remember, this mama is a PICU RN and I see worst case scenario of EVERYTHING. So what was my brain doing for weeks leading up to the surgery?..imagining every worst case possible. I exhausted myself. I cried more than I am comfortable saying and if I’m honest, I was just scared. The unknown is scary. Fear has a way of easing into our spirits bit by bit until we are consumed by it.

I met the surgeon. I asked all my thousand questions and though I felt more at ease with information, the reality is things can always go wrong and that is where I was allowing fear to set it.

To my mamas that I meet each and every day as I care for your precious babies, I understand you better now. I feel more connected to you and even though my daughter’s outpatient procedure may be nothing in comparison to the monumental obstacles you and your children have to face, it gave me a glimpse of what you all have to go through. It was still surgery; she still had to be put under and intubated. Fear of the unknown and hope for the best was alive in me.

I found some peace in letting go and letting God, butI had to check my thoughts every day until the procedure date to be strong for m little; to be ready to greet her when she woke up. Kudos to the mamas going through this on a regular basis. My heart is with you.

Side note. Surgery went very well, he adenoids were HUGE, she can breathe now and is happy and back to bossing her brothers around.

-MAK