Wonder

I may be a bit late to write about my word for the year on March 1st, but alas I have been living in the word…Wonder.

I was reminded of the word late December, as my thoughts for the new year grew nearer. I haven’t been able to stop thinking of it since. I don’’t speak of wonder as the verb says ,” to desire to know something or to be curious.” I speak of wonder as the feeling of complete admiration.

It is so easy to fall into habitual routines with the daily demands we have. We run on autopilot so often that it’s normal for us to reach the end of our day and wonder where the day went. I am guilty of it as well, but for this year I am choosing differently. Though it is easy to fall into routine, I have been intentional about choosing to awe at life. I long to have the wonder of a child in my every day life. I am an aesthete by nature; my heart longs to live in admiration of the world around me and if you know me, you know I romanticize EVERYTHING from a cup of coffee, to sharing a glass of wine on a beach with those I hold dear. I crave the feeling of wonder, i thrive in it. It’s the feeling of seeing the world through children’s eyes as they awed at the castle at Magic Kingdom. It’s smell of coffee as I take the first sip while the rest of the world is quiet; it’s the purples and pinks of the sky as the sun settles into evening. It is the laughs from a dear friend, the ones where you cannot catch your breath. It is the quiet drives through the city with my only company being the moonlight and a neo- soul album. Guys, I could ramble forever, but you get it right? I’ve lived these past 3 months in wonder and it has been life changing. I hope to never lose the desire to find beauty in everything and I will continue to romanticize it all; the hopeless romantic that I am.

As the years go by, I have learned that joy is found in the simplest of things. It is the things we once loved as children. We are told to grow up and be adults and by all means, adulthood is meant to be lived responsibly, but it does not mean sans magic. I have found the magic that I enjoyed as a child has become the very magic that brings me joy as an adult. Growing up was never about losing ourselves, but growing into ourselves. I get lost skating on a perfectly smooth piece of concrete, I get close to heaven taking a bite of well made pasta; my thoughts run faster than my fingers can type while my mind is lost in thoughts. I wrote poems as a child, I skated every week, and I constantly was in awe of it all.

As an adult, I grew up. I lost myself, but make no mistake I found her again. I found me.

Don’t forget to wonder.

-MAK

The City’s Gonna Break my Heart

The city’s gonna break my heart

The City loves to draw me in. On the days my light is dim, the city shines brighter inviting to come into her light . I’m entranced by it; I can’t say no. She’s dazzling . The city is my escape; escape from the daily stressors; from the laundry list of to dos I cannot seem to get away from . The escape from the dimness that threatens to take me.

The city rescues my smile when it’s being threatened away. When anxious thoughts become too much, the city offers stability, comfort , a constant grounding to my ever racing thoughts

.. but the city’s gonna beak my heart just as well

She is fun. she is carefree. She takes the best parts of me and she is the lingering sting of empty promises. She’s a temptress and she’s damn good at it. I fall for her every time. She’s a weakness and she knows it very well.

I beg the city to treat me well.

City I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve for you. I’ve come to you in my worst moments and your promises to be what I needed you to be kept me afloat.

She brings me in and I tug away. I’m hesitant now. The flashing lights that once left me in awe no longer seem as bright. The city does not belong to me. I liked to pretend that she did, but the fool was I. The flashy lights and attractions only keep your attention for so long; there is no depth there; none below the surface of appearances and illusions of connections

…but man was it fun. I still find myself longing for those the carefree nights under the moonlight, the city illuminating the sky, a glass of red in my hand toasting to the moon; the scent heavy on my lips.

I whispered my secrets to her and she kept them safe for me. A vault to my troubles; a tomb to the words I’ve kept unsaid.

… another toast to the moon, a smile to the city . A tear shed for the good times we’ll never have.

The city’s gonna break my heart.

Wine turns to bourbon. Bourbon turns our easy nights restless. The tension begins to build. I made a deal with the devil when I met her. I was searching for a high and bargained for more than I could handle. I lost myself in her , attaching my vulnerabilities to moments that made me feel elated. The moments I thought made me feel whole.

Where do we go from here ? Everything is different. The lights sparkles except more dimly now. I put too much pressure on her to be all that I wanted; all that I needed. I can’t put all the blame on her. We both fell into a tangle of chemistry that was so tangible you could almost taste it. We couldn’t haven’t stayed away if we tried.

Another toast as I pour out some bourbon. A toast to the laughs, the tears , bottles opened, and the bottles left to be opened .

The City will always be there in all her grandeur; but my deal with the devil is ending and even though it is what is it best , my heart aches as I turn and look the other way.

The City is gonna break my heart.

And Then She was 6

Time is merciless. We naively believe we have so much of it ; that it‘ s a never ending resource. Oh, the lies we tell ourselves. We say we always have another day; some other time to get to it, but the reality is the moments we push back till later become lost until we’re suddenly desperate to hold those moments again.

July 1, 2016 I held Isabella in my arms for the very first time. She was a perfect fluffy 7 pounds of baby. I breathed her in memorizing her very scent. Her arrival into this world changed very part of me. She challenges me, she shows me every day I need to slow down and take each moment in. She is joy embodied, the peace maker in our household, She is spice and love and all the best parts of me.

I sit here and reflect on the last 6 years of her life. Did I do the very best by her at all times, does she know how much I adore her? Will she ever fathom how much she is my heart walking outside of my body. I pray I can be what she needs me to be; that I equip her for the world ahead. My love, my heart. You are everything to me. MY sweet girl, i wish you the happiest of birthdays today.

This year, you want all things Rainbow High. You wanted a beach trip to Hawaii…we compromised with Hilton Head. I just laid out all of your gifts in your room and I’m pretty sure I am more excited than you for you to wake and see them all. We cannot wait to celebrate you all weekend sweet love.

My dear, your mama knows she loses patience at times and I can only hope you and your brothers never take it personally. I apologize for my faults, but i need you to know I love you beyond my own existence.

Can’t wait to hug and kiss you in the morning.

July 1, 2022.

MAK